The Simulator
(sung to the tune of "The Gambler")

On a warm summer's evening

on a plane bound for ISBA,
I met up with the simulator;

we were both too tired to sleep.


So we took turns a staring

out the window at the darkness
'Til boredom overtook us,

and he began to speak.

 

He said, "Son, I've made my life out of reading people's data,
And knowing what the numbers tell, by the way the series lies
So if you don't mind my saying, I can see you're out of models.
For a taste of your data, I'll give you some advice."

So I handed him my laptop, and he downloaded my last file.
Then he bummed a thumbdrive, and I watched its blinking light
And the night got deathly quiet, and his face lost all expession.
Said, "If you're runnin' chains, boy, ya gotta learn to do it right.

 

You got to know when to propose 'em, know when to reject 'em,
Know when to stop a chain, and know when to run.
You never find your error, while your takin' samples,
There'll be time enough for error bars, when the chain is done.

Every person knows that the secret to chain burn-in,
Is knowin' what to throw away, and knowin' what to keep.
Because every run is perfect, and every run is worthless,
And the best that you can hope for is results you can repeat.

And when he'd finished speaking, he turned back towards the window,
Closed down his black ThinkPad, and faded off to sleep.
And somewhere in the darkness, his chain it reached convergence.
But in his final words I found a trick that I could keep.

You got to know when to propose 'em, know when to reject 'em,
Know when to stop a chain, and know when to run.
You never find your error, while your takin' samples,
There'll be time enough for error bars, when the chain is done.

 

You got to know when to propose 'em, know when to reject 'em,
Know when to stop a chain, and know when to run.
You never find your error, while your takin' samples,
There'll be time enough for error bars, when the chain is done.

You got to know when to propose 'em, know when to reject 'em,
Know when to stop a chain, and know when to run.
You never find your error, while your taking samples,
There'll be time enough for error bars, when the chain is done.

Beamer

(sung to the tune of "Lola")

...

I saw it on a forum it was making the rounds
Those sites where they show you how to be a slide maker
M a k e r - maker 
I downloaded the class and unpacked it that night
I looked at the name and it said on my screen it was Beamer
B-E-A-M-E-R Beamer bee-bee-bee-bee Beamer

Well I'm not the world's most emotional guy
But when my pdf compiled I nearly broke down and cried
Oh my Beamer bee-bee-bee-bee Beamer
Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand
Why that weird set of symbols just won't go away
Oh my Beamer bee-bee-bee-bee Beamer bee-bee-bee-bee Beamer

 

Well I had to write and coded all night
Under electric monitor light
It picked me up and set my mind free
To copy all my equations seamlessly
Well I'm not the worlds smartest LaTeX guy
But when I looked at the slides well I almost fell for my Beamer
Bee-bee-bee-bee Beamer bee-bee-bee-bee Beamer
Beamer bee-bee-bee-bee Beamer bee-bee-bee-bee Beamer

 

I finished my talk
I closed down the file
I almost logged off
I walked to the door
Then I looked at my talk and saw it needed some more

Well that's when I added both figures and graphs
And also an outline just because it was Beamer
Bee-bee-bee-bee Beamer
Now my slides are packed with too much junk
But I can't remove anything or I'd be sunk
Oh my Beamer
Bee-bee-bee-bee Beamer 

 

Well I'd just defended the week before
And I'd thought giving a talk was such a chore
But Beamer just let me pour out my facts
And launched me toward the tenure track

Well I'm not the world's most graphical guy
But now it's like I don't even have to try
Thanks to my Beamer
Bee-bee-bee-bee Beamer bee-bee-bee-bee Beamer
Beamer bee-bee-bee-bee Beamer bee-bee-bee-bee Beamer
Beamer bee-bee-bee-bee Beamer bee-bee-bee-bee Beamer
Beamer bee-bee-bee-bee Beamer bee-bee-bee-bee Beamer
Beamer bee-bee-bee-bee Beamer bee-bee-bee-bee Beamer
 

I'll submit, too

(sung to the tune of "I'll melt with you")

Writing quickly using all my TeX

Finding theorems that were never second best

I saw the paper falling slowly into place

Never knowing all it needed was, a Hilbert space

I'll fix the draft and submit, too!

You've seen the model and its getting better all the time

There's nothing our technique won't do

I'll fix the draft and submit, too!

Dream of better refs, the kind which never hate

Accepted to a journal impact factor eight

I built a cluster to speed this slow chain's pace

Now I'm understanding a reference long gone by

(I'll fix the draft) I'll fix the draft and submit, too!

(I'll fix the draft) You've seen the model and its getting

better all the time

(I'll fix the draft) There's nothing our technique won't do!

(I'll fix the draft) I'll fix the draft and submit, too!

The arXiv's open wide...

(I'll fix the draft) I'll fix the draft and submit, too!

(I'll fix the draft) You've seen the model and its getting

better all the time

(I'll fix the draft) There's nothing our technique won't do!

(I'll fix the draft) I'll fix the draft and submit, too!

The arXiv's open wide...

hmmm hmmm hmmmm

hmmm hmmm hmmm hmmm

hmmm hmmm hmmm

hmmm hmmm hmmm hmmm

I'll fix the draft and submit, too (let's fix the draft)

You've seen the model and it's getting better all the time (Let's fix the draft)

there's nothing our technique won't do (Let's fix the draft)

Let's fix the draft and submit, too!  (Let's fix the draft)

[Repeat and fade]

Bayes by the Ocean

(sung to the tune of "Cake by the Ocean")

Oh no
See bags going 'round like it's a funeral                      
Not to worry girl; your bag's in Mexico                        
We just getting started; fill out forms now, forms now

Ah!
Waste time with with a .pdf, don't waste time with a .pdf (huh!)
You should be rolling with me, you should be rolling with me (ah)
You're a real life di Finetti, you're a real life di Finetti (huh!) 
But you're talkin' so carefullly; let's start living dangerously 

Talk to me, baby
I'm going blind from this sweet, sweet data, whoa 
Let's lose our slides and go crazy crazy                    
Ah ya ya ya ya I keep on hoping we'll do Bayes by the ocean
Talk for me, baby
I'll be Jeffreys, you'll be Lindley, whoa
Let's lose our slides and go crazy crazy                            
Ah ya ya ya ya I keep on hoping we'll do Bayes by the ocean (huh)

Hot damn
See you writing code from your own hands                
Want another taste, I'm begging, "Run that"
I'm tired of all this coffee on the dry land, dry land, oh

 

Waste time with with a .pdf, don't waste time with a .pdf (huh!)
You should be rolling with me, you should be rolling with me (ah) 
You're a real life di Finetti, you're a real life di Finetti (huh!) 
But you're talkin' so carefullly; let's start living dangerously

Talk to me, baby                            

I'm going blind from this sweet, sweet data, whoa  
Let's lose our slides and go crazy crazy                    
Ah ya ya ya ya I keep on hoping we'll do Bayes by the ocean

 

Talk for me, baby
I'll be Jeffreys, you'll be Lindley, whoa
Let's lose our slides and go crazy crazy
Ah ya ya ya ya I keep on hoping we'll do Bayes by the ocean
Oh ah
Ah ya ya ya ya I keep on hoping we'll do Bayes by the ocean
Oh ah
Ah ya ya ya ya I keep on hoping we'll do Bayes by the ocean (huh)

 

You're crazy talented
Talk to me, girl

 

Talk to me, baby                           
I'm going blind from this sweet, sweet data, whoa  
Let's lose our slides and go crazy crazy                    

Ah ya ya ya ya I keep on hoping we'll do Bayes by the ocean       
Talk for me, baby
I'll be Jeffreys, you'll be Lindley, whoa
Let's lose our slides and go crazy crazy
Ah ya ya ya ya I keep on hoping we'll do Bayes by the ocean       

 

Strawberry, nocciola, chocolate in my life                      
Ravioli, I'm ready; I need it every night
Strawberry, nocciola, chocolate in my life           
I keep on hoping we'll do Bayes by the ocean (huh) 

© 2020 by Mark Huber

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